Vicky Valentine’s Erotic Adventures
A Neo-Noir Pulp Erotic Thriller
Episode 15: Prom Night
I say to True, “I go stag on prom night. Stay here.”
I reach down and grab a 2×4. I lunge at the abomination’s foot swinging the hunk of lumber at the tangled horror of body parts. A few lumps of flesh fling from the beast in gory trails. Before I can take a second swing, the abomination sends me reeling with a turkey-sized knuckle sandwich. I’m hit square in the face. Stars whirl before my eyes as my body flings across the room taking out a few zombies for good measure. I hit the ground hard. My lungs empty. Little pieces of zombie flesh dot my face. I try to stand. I stumble incoherently. Through my blurred vision, I make out True’s silhouette. She runs over to protect me. As she tries to pull me to my feet, I hear bullets whiz by my head accompanied by screams of pain. My vision swims, but I regain enough sense to notice someone from my team must have nailed a few bodyguards. True drags me over to the stage of palate and bone. I shake my head clearing the birdies circling around. My vision finally clears and I see my team firing away at the flesh golem with a shit-ton of lead. The monster defies the maelstrom of bullets.
True says, “Vic, I don’t think we can stop this thing. We should split.”
I wiggle a loose tooth, spit some blood to the floor, and say, “Then go ahead and split. Call the president. Do you whatever you want. I fucking hate going to the dentist. No, I’m not done with this THING, not by a long shot. I’m sending it back to hell.”
I rise with determination. True grasps my arm trying to stop me from re-entering the battle. I pull away with purpose and walk straight for the monster shoving a few remaining zombies out of the way. A zombie monkey lunges at me with a screech, but I catch the little prick midair and toss it aside like a piece of trash. I walk purposefully ignoring the battle around me. Taking advantage of my distraction, Don Diab positions himself closer to True. I see him edge nearer to her, but there’s nothing I can do. The real threat is the monster.
Bullets whiz by my head, but I press forward without concern for my health. I wrench another piece of lumber from a broken palette. Three ugly nails protrude from the tip. I think, “I’ll give this bastard tetanus. That’s what I’ll do…”
Lady Minx, Blind Tiger, and Wilder provide cover fire. I bash in a ghoul’s head. As a prize, a gory eyeball hangs from a bent nail. As I walk, I glance to my right. Mr. Handsome, Johnny Crepax, frees himself from the gurney. Good for him. I keep walking. To my left, a few more bodyguards fall with holes in their foreheads. Crepax matches my stride sporting a pipe from the gurney. He grasps my hand. I ignore him.
Like teens on a first date, we walk hand and hand, but I say, “I don’t like guys who macho it out. I’ll handle this.”
He says, “This is powerful magic. You don’t know how to stop it, but I do. I’ve studied this stuff my whole life. You need me.”
I stop suddenly. He matches my movement. I say, “I don’t need you. I don’t NEED anybody. I’ll handle this.”
He says, “You’ll get torn to bits over misplaced pride. I wouldn’t want that pretty face to commit accidental suicide. Besides, we’re just getting to know each other.”
With mounting frustration I say, “This isn’t the time for courtship bullcrap. Besides, if I recall, you were the pansy in distress, not me. Trust me… I can take care of myself.”
We bicker like a married couple, oblivious to the danger surrounding us.
I continue, “Don’t buy the Barbie Dream House just yet, pal. I’m going to send this thing back to hell in a Gucci handbag.”
Wilder sends a bullet past my head meant to either get my attention or to show jealousy. I flash a menacing smile toward my ex-boyfriend and forcefully grab Crepax’s shoulder pulling the handsome man close to me. Then, I place a deep kiss full on the lips. Our tongues dance as I glare at Wilder.
We kiss like homecoming royalty gone dirty. It’s right out of 10 Things I Hate About You. Barf. I pull away and whisper into Crepax’s ear, “How do I stop it?”
He looks down at his rising penis.
I say, “Not that thing lover boy, the zombie meat bag.”
He snickers a little and I find his laugh charming despite the danger circling around us.
Still reeling from the kiss, he whispers back, “All golems have a piece of paper inscribed with a magic word that binds their bodies together. Somehow, Don Diab must have inserted the paper without us seeing. Most of these things have the spell in their mouths, but since Diab is such a sick pervert, I imagine the paper is inside that vagina-thing in the chest. It’s just a hunch, but that’s where I’d start. Find the paper and destroy it.”
In thanks, I kiss him again. I pull away from my new boyfriend and kick him in the shin like a schoolgirl. He falls to the ground in pain and confusion. I think, “Can’t make it too easy for him.”
I head toward the monster with purpose. I run quickly, jump atop a wandering zombie’s shoulders, spring from the flesh-bot, do a somersault, and land with a stripper twirl around the monster’s leg. I scale the golem’s limb like I’m climbing a club pole. Every time the monster tries to grab me, I spin to the opposite side of his leg. As I work my way up, I think, “I’d kill for a bottle of Lysol. This thing smells like shit.”
I reach the golem’s midsection. In the distance, I hear the battle raging on. Calmly, I scale the remainder of the thing’s belly and the maw of the chest-vagina beckons me to enter. Without fear, I lunge into the gory hole. Like a fat kid jammed into a playground maze, I get stuck. I think, “Great. A rushed first kiss with my new boyfriend, and now he gets an unflattering look at my fanny. How fucking embarrassing.”
I dig deeper shredding zombie flesh with my press-on nails. Eventually, I worm myself deep into the center of the gruesome beast. I search and search, squishing through rotting flesh, sifting through spaghetti entrails to find the spell that will undo the beast. Finally, I find the paper. I tear it to shreds. With force, I burst out of the chest cavity and fall to the floor. I look up from my position and the monster crumbles. Torsos, legs, and other sex parts fall on me in heaps. For a moment, I can’t breathe and I feel like I might suffocate. Several forceful hands grab me and pull my body from the pile of gore. I wipe bloody bile from my face to see Crepax and Wilder setting me upright.
I spit blood out of my mouth and take several much-needed gulps of oxygen. After catching my breath, I say, “People call this town The Big Easy, but I call bull-shit. From what I’ve seen, it should be The Big Queasy.”
The two men laugh at the absurdity of the situation. I look around. Our enemies have been dispatched. The room is a bloodbath of corpses. That’s when I notice True missing.
I say, “What the shit? Where’s True?”
We look around but she’s gone. Diab is also nowhere to be found. We begin looking through the bodies. Lady Minx and Blind Tiger join our search. After several moments of looking, Minx says, “Vicky, she’s gone. In the confusion, Diab must have taken her.”
Concern for my lover overtakes me.
In a daze I say, “Listen to me, and listen good, ’cause I’m only gonna say it once. If that prick touches one little hair on her pretty little head…” I can’t finish the thought.
Minx places her hand on my shoulder and says in her Creole voice, “da laydee minx tink dat true like da nutria bonin lots… she cum back do us… she cum back do yu an me… donna yu worrie mon amie…”
Her falling back into that ridiculous accent brings a grim smile to my face, but we all know this is dire. Noticing that I’m not in the mood, Minx adds in perfect English, “Vicky, let’s go find her.”